I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
