Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
