what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
