The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
