I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
