Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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