All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
