Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Floor bacon is actually really good
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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