YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
