Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
