Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Still dying that you shit outside
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
