highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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