I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
