if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
