forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
