Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
