Duck Duck Cougar?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
