he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize