i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
