The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
