I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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