I want to walk on stilts...naked
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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