i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
