You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
