Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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