Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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