Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
