lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
