so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
