guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So many bounce houses so little time
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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