I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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