its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
