dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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