Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
