i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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