Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
