my phone needs a breathalizer
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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