i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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