Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
