apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
