I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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