Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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