Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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