i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
