I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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