either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i think i have two assholes
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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