The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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