dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
