3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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