Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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