Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
