i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
