the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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