i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
