You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
