im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
