Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
organizing the empties. That sober.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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