This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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