They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
