M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
