The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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