oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
